The importance of creating boundaries against negative influences
Recovering from depression is more complicated than it might initially seem. The mood improvement can be felt as a blessing, and life can take on a fresh new character. This is usually a welcome development -- recovery brings you back to the life that you were living, as if you’ve recovered from an infection. The veil has been lifted, and life seems worth living again. However, the part that many people find frustrating is that this state is usually only temporary, with relapse looming on the horizon. It never feels like you’ve truly broken free from the depression, and life can become a cycle between “somewhat okay” and “depressed,” which is a tiresome way to live. Many people remain caught in this state for years or decades before they are able to find a way out.
There are many reasons why this cycle can develop, including several significant biological and psychological factors. However, for this article, I’d like to focus on the changes in social interaction that can occur when an individual recovers from depression, and how this can impact one’s chances at sustained recovery.
If you’ve ever been depressed for a long time and eventually experience recovery, you might notice that you start to have difficulty enjoying social interactions with certain individuals. For example, it might be more difficult to tolerate someone’s cynicism or negative outlook on life, and it might feel like you have to “work extra” to interact with this individual. These people may give you strange looks when you talk to them, as if they don’t recognize the person they’re seeing, or somehow resent you for improving your life. People are capable of being jealous of just about anything, and your mood improvement is no exception. Sad, but true.
You might also find that you are constantly making annoying compromises to be around certain individuals, and eventually those compromises become overly burdensome. Sometimes it can even feel as if you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid an explosion of anger from a negative personality. This kind of thing is tolerable when you’re depressed, but once you recover, it can feel ridiculous because you know that you deserve better.
In my opinion, it’s important to be aware of these dynamics, because if they catch you by surprise, you might find yourself regressing back to your previously depressed state. We are inherently social creatures, and we modify our mood states when around other people to maintain a presence in social circles. If you’re surrounded by negative influences, it would be highly unusual for you to move your life forward without inciting resentment from your peers, because any form of positivity will be perceived as a threat. Similar dynamics can be seen in individuals who are recovering from substance use, as their decision to change their life can be perceived as threatening by those who remain attached to drugs or alcohol. People get used to what’s familiar, no matter how negative that state might be.
You are the sum total of everything you’ve ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot – it’s all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive. -- Maya Angelou
Although these social changes might be frustrating, they eventually point you to a more genuine way to live your life. It becomes harder to “live a lie” when you’re not depressed all the time, because you carry with you a certain self-compassion that allows you to accept yourself for who you actually are and not what the negative influences in your life want you to be. It is ultimately a form of self-compassion to refuse to surround yourself with toxic people, and all it takes to achieve this is a perspective shift.
In many instances, it might be better to set boundaries with negative people in your life rather than cutting them out completely. This process is strategic when done well, and it takes a steady mind to cut through the manipulation tactics that people may use to maintain their control over you. Setting clear boundaries with toxic personalities will counteract any effort to drag you down to their level, back into the depressive rut that you were stuck in before. If you find that you can only recover from depression temporarily, and that the recovery doesn’t really seem to last, you might have difficulty setting boundaries with negative influences in your life. If there’s a hole in your ship, sooner or later, it’s going to start leaking.
It’s not a positive experience to set boundaries with people that you care about because it may cause some temporary conflict. Not surprisingly, conflict avoidance is usually the main issue that people struggle with when dealing with volatile individuals. At some point, however, you have to decide whether you will truly prioritize yourself, which implies that you take responsibility for your own emotions. You wouldn’t tell someone in recovery from substance use to reconnect with people who are going to pressure them back into relapse, and you wouldn’t tell someone who is recovering from depression to go back and associate with the very people who dragged them into that negativity in the first place.
If you felt that this post was relevant to your life, you might consider watching this video, which expands on how healthy boundary setting can help you to resist negative influences in your life.
Having a strong sense of self with a healthy dose of self-compassion makes you more resistant to negative influences, and therefore reduces the chance that you slip back into a depressive spell. If you have a therapist, I encourage you to discuss these topics in detail, because they can have a profound and long-lasting effect on your life.
References:
Cacioppo JT, Hawkley LC, Thisted RA. Perceived social isolation makes me sad: 5-year cross-lagged analyses of loneliness and depressive symptomatology in the Chicago Health, Aging, and Social Relations Study. Psychology and Aging. 2010;25(2):453-463. doi:10.1037/a0017216
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