One of the hidden perils of struggling with depression
Have you ever felt depressed and isolated? Somehow “different” from other people, as if they’re living normal lives, and you’re stuck in the gutter? It can seem like nobody around you “gets it,” which can make you feel alone and hopeless about your future. It’s almost as if you’re in a psychological prison, and even if you’re not wearing an orange jumpsuit, people treat you as if you are. This can take you to depths that few experience, and it can feel completely overwhelming. Not surprisingly, recent studies have shown that the health risks associated with these feelings are worse than smoking or obesity.
In my clinical practice, I find that depressed people are very often treated as if they are broken or bad in some way, as if their negative inner state draws out negativity in others. Even depression that is highly concealed by the sufferer can give off an unfamiliar or off-putting energy. This change in social perception can have drastic consequences, because it can seem like the depressed person has a “black cloud” over him or her. Rather than eliciting support from others, this darkness seems to bring forth derision. Just when it might have been helpful to have some support, the depressed person may find that people treat them worse or ignore them. While this is a subjective appraisal, it does seem to me that it is not the depressed person’s interpretation of situations that is off, but the actual situations themselves. At times, the depressed individual might have a highly accurate view of a contentious situation -- a view that they blocked themselves from feeling in the past because it was too painful.
Even worse, toxic personalities tend to monitor for depressive traits in their victims, and they can take advantage of these vulnerabilities to exploit depressed people. After all, it takes a clear mind to set healthy boundaries with others, and depression can completely rob you of that ability. One common situation that I see is that the depressed person’s social circle is filled with negative, vindictive personalities -- not the sort of people who are helpful when you’re trying to understand negative inner emotions. These types of people actively look for opportunities to hate others, usually out of envy or perceived superiority. If they were to be honest, they’d tell you that they feel inferior or weak, but if they were able to do that, they wouldn’t have such a strong tendency to hate in the first place.
A hidden flip-side of this phenomenon is that you can use the hate as fuel for your journey out of what you are struggling with:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” ― Theodore Roosevelt
In my opinion, the core of this issue comes down to having enough courage to face one’s own inner demons. Every person has a degree of inner darkness, but what varies drastically is the willingness to understand and reckon with it. A person who is unable to face their own inner darkness will quite naturally reject and repel anyone else who reminds them of their cowardice. Eckhart Tolle describes this phenomenon with his idea of the “pain body,” which basically means that observing someone else’s pain reminds you of your own, thus triggering your own response to pain. If you don’t work well with your own pain, or are scared of facing it, it makes sense that you would treat other people in pain poorly -- you’re essentially perceiving them as a threat to your sense of self.
So what is the depressed person to do? How do you counteract this?
One option is to simply tell the truth about what you observe when someone treats you poorly. It means being forthright and honest, not venting about how you feel insulted. For example, you might consider reflecting back a negative comment, essentially making it known that you are aware of the malintent behind the statement. This has to be done from a place of security, not neediness, otherwise it will simply exacerbate the problem. In essence, the truth sets you free, and it also makes the other person acutely aware of the irrationality of their own behavior. Please be aware that this can disrupt your social connections, and you have to tell the truth in a strategic manner if you are to be successful with this approach.
If you take the opposite approach and simply internalize and bury your frustration, it’s likely that the latent negativity will come back to bite you in the form of worsened anxiety, depression, and resentment. In my opinion, it’s better to be forthright, strategically telling the truth to other people about what you feel. Again, this doesn’t mean venting or burning bridges -- it means thinking deeply about how you feel, and expressing it to others in an honest but mature fashion. The more you do this, the more you will develop your self-confidence, making you more resilient over the long-term. You won’t feel like a doormat, trying to please other people just to preserve your connection to them. This is a way of processing your pain and growing from negative experiences, rather than letting them drag you down into the mud.
As you experiment with this strategy, you will likely come to your own conclusions about why people react to you in particular ways, and you’ll probably learn a lot about yourself in the process. You may find that certain internal factors and mood states seem to affect the way that you interact with people, and the way that they respond to you. As you gain more conscious control of your internal states, you’ll be able to relate more naturally with people, and you’ll also be better able to pick up on how they are feeling at a deep level. This approach will make you more aware of the roots of your depression, which is the first step in treating it.
You can’t control what other people think, but you can control how much things affect you -- it just takes hard work, responsibility, and calculated goal-setting. Throughout history, the people who truly moved the world forward still struggled with their own internal pain and negative emotions.But instead of getting bogged down, they used that negative energy as fuel to achieve greatness. Tap into that energy, and see what happens.
References:
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
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