Why discussing what bothers you can lead to significant change By: Dr. Patel
As a psychiatrist, a question I am frequently asked is what therapy is, and whether it is worth it. It’s natural to wonder if talking about your problems can actually be helpful, because often times you’ve already done so with your spouse, friends, or family members, and the situation is largely unchanged. This might be frustrating, because you can feel that you’ve examined every angle of your problem, but haven’t achieved any meaningful progress in understanding the true nature of what’s bothering you. The result is that your life stays the same, and you feel discouraged about your chances of resolving the issue. We can let problems fester for years without fixing them, and then we wake up one day and wonder where life went, and why things haven’t changed.
Therapy provides two key advantages over most other methods for handling our most personal and problematic life challenges. First, a good therapist has undergone a deep process of self-exploration and has solved difficult problems in their own life. As they say, “Smooth seas do not make for skillful sailors.” A therapist should give you the feeling that he or she “has been there” when you discuss difficult topics; this is a distinct sensation that is common to deeply meaningful experiences and can be a clue that you are working with the right person. When a skilled therapist relates to you in a genuine and compassionate manner, the possibility of deep and enduring change is created.
Second, a good therapist is a neutral third-party who has no association with your family, friends, or other social contacts and is legally required to keep your information private. We are often tied up in our relationships with others, which stifles our ability to be honest and direct when asking for advice. Your family member might view you in a particular way that limits their ability to give you clear advice, whereas a therapist will see your situation from a more neutral point of view. While all human beings have conscious and unconscious opinions of others, quality therapists are constantly in a process of understanding their own biases, which helps to smooth out the treatment process. You might have reservations about expressing intense anger at family members, but you can much more easily vent to your therapist without worrying that you will overwhelm or scare them off.
Many times in life, we are faced with difficult challenges that have no easy answers and do not seem likely to change any time soon. However, what we are always in control of is our reaction to these situations, and how we view our lives moving forward rather than getting caught up in the past. Understanding yourself at a deep level helps you to control your reactions to situations, which then has the effect of making you feel better on an emotional level. A problem that might have seemed as difficult as climbing Mount Everest may transform into something that looks as easy as riding a bike, giving you the confidence that you need to move forward with a difficult choice. On the other hand, you might even be okay with not solving a tough problem, which can allow you to accept the situation and move forward without dwelling on the issue.
To a large degree, human beings think by talking to others, and our closest social contacts have a huge impact on who we are. Having an experienced, skilled therapist in your corner can offset other negative influences in your life, helping you to reorient your emotional compass to a more positive direction.
Look closely at yourself -- if you suspect that there is work to be done, it might be time to talk to someone.
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