The relationship between self-deception and mood
By: Dr. Patel
Have you ever been stressed out by someone else’s behavior, having thoughts such as “This person will never change, why did I ever get involved with them in the first place, what is wrong with me?"
The context could be a marriage, business situation, or even a friendship, but the overall effect is similar. You might experience an emotional rehashing of every negative experience you’ve ever had with that person, no matter how seemingly unrelated to the situation you’re upset about. Left unchecked, you might start questioning your judgment about everybody in your life, until eventually you’ve created an internal monologue about how you “can’t trust anyone anymore,” which leaves you feeling isolated and frustrated. As time passes, you forget about what even happened in the first place to cause you so much irritation, but the story you tell yourself about it remains alive and well.
Our thoughts can reflect our underlying emotions, and the stories we generate from them seem to help us make sense of the world. However, a rarely asked but important question arises: Are these stories even true? And can we take away the wrong lessons from our experiences, thereby limiting ourselves in the future?
A critical component of therapy is closely examining the stories we tell ourselves, and attempting to figure out if they are actually true or not. More often than not, they’re false.
Generally, the more inaccurate the story is, the lousier you will feel. This is the basis for cognitive-behavioral therapy, which posits that thoughts, behaviors, and actions are all interrelated, and that so-called “cognitive distortions” can lead to negative emotional states. An example of a cognitive distortion is the tendency to catastrophize: thinking of the worst possible outcome, no matter what the objective information indicates. A person who catastrophizes might see a dark cloud and expect a severe thunderstorm rather than a light shower.
When patients come to see me, most of the time they’ve already heard from friends or family that they’re thinking about a situation incorrectly. They know that their internal thoughts are distorted, and they’re seeking a solution. In fact, many times they already know what the solution is, but can’t bring themselves to implement it. They know that there is a “true” answer, but the “false” answers that seem to come up in their mind keep repeating, leading to ruminative thinking, anxiety, and depression.
“When I’m at the bottom looking up, the main question may not be ‘how do I get out of this hole?’ In reality, the main question might be ‘how do I get rid of the shovel that I used to dig it?” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough
So how do we separate fact from fiction and clean up our thinking? Each individual’s highest truth is unique, which makes most advice difficult to implement, and admonitions to “think positively” are usually not helpful. However, there are some general principles that might be useful, and I’ll cover them in future posts.
One such principle to spot a lie in your thinking is to see how it makes you feel -- generally, lies make you feel weak. Honest thoughts feel differently, usually clarifying and peaceful, and sometimes painful, but certainly not weak. If you can start to get in touch with how your thoughts affect your emotions, and vice-versa, you might be able to tell when you are needlessly beating up on yourself. You might also be able to tell when you are falsely pumping yourself up, which might work in the short-term but usually creates feelings of insecurity over the long-term. The goal is to align yourself with the thoughts that allow you to walk tall and forthright, ready to take on any challenges that arise.
Clarifying your thinking by unraveling the stories that you tell yourself is hard work, and requires self-honesty at every level of the process. As you cultivate truthful awareness and reduce self-deception, your confidence rises and your attitude towards life changes. Most significantly, you deepen your sense of responsibility for yourself and your future, enhancing personal agency and self-worth.
Ultimately, by seeing the truth more clearly, you can gain a greater sense of who you are -- one of the greatest gifts that life has to offer.
Works Referenced in this Article:
Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception: Daniel Goleman: 9780684831077. Published 1996.
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