Don’t limit yourself with the restrictions others place on you
By: Dr. Patel
One of the most common traps I see my patients falling into is the tendency to compare themselves to others. We are usually trained to do this from a young age, and if it doesn’t start with our parents, it does once we start school. We compare ourselves to other people in all sorts of ways, such as athletic skill, intelligence, beauty, creativity, and social skills. We then rank each other, and become obsessed with playing this ranking game. Particularly with the rise of social media, this tendency has accelerated, and there is an increasing body of academic literature on the subject (Luxton et al, 2012).
While comparing yourself to other people is useful and important in the right context, such as when you are trying to work on a weakness or improve your skill at something, most often it leads to destructive emotional states and obscures who you really are. As the old saying goes, “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” When you are constantly trying to compete with someone or one-up them in some way, you are smothering your own abilities. You limit your individual potential by pigeonholing yourself in a status game, trying to beat someone at something that might not aligned with your true life purpose.
If you are going to compete, compete through authenticity. Find your truest, most authentic self, and live according to that. Clear out the lies you’ve been telling yourself about who you are, and let the real you emerge spontaneously.
When you make this shift, challenges can take on a totally new meaning. You may find that the scope of what’s possible in your life opens up because you begin to synergize with others rather than constantly sizing yourself up against them. This can help you to cultivate gratitude for your natural-born abilities, which might have been obscured by chasing goals that were defined by other people, not by you. Suddenly new opportunities arise, because you start to consider things outside of the narrower, more externally-defined version of yourself.
Ironically, the end result of true authenticity is usually success that completely dwarfs the competition. Look at every great athlete, entrepreneur, artist, or leader -- these individuals are usually focused on being the best version of themselves, defining their vision internally rather than looking to others for direction. By taking the path of authenticity, you might notice that you end up better than others at certain things, but being superior to others won’t be your primary motivator.
The best part about all of this is that you can try it out today, right now. Think about an important decision you need to make, and think about whether it hinges on you being seen as better or more important than someone else. Then, think about what it would be like to make that decision independently, and analyze how your approach changes. You might learn something about your core values, and how you prioritize your decisions. Enjoy the process!
References in this article:
Luxton DD, June JD, Fairall JM. Social media and suicide: a public health perspective. Am J Public Health. 2012;102 Suppl 2(Suppl 2):S195–S200. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2011.300608
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